It's been a long 6 months.

So much has happened since..




All that's remained is my shattered being.


























































































No more Alison.
Just ashes.








































Goodbye.

SORRY.










michele, I broke when you said God heard our conversation.




I am sorry Seth. For not allowing you to be here for me.
I am sorry Sharyl. For not keeping myself accountable to you.
I am sorry Michele. For pushing you away when all you wanted was to bring me back to God.
I am sorry Jun ming. For not being honest with you about my prayer requests.





I am sorry


God.





I have been cold and hardened.
But You never did let go.



When I died
You surrounded me with loving friends to pick me up and bring me back to life.

You hadn't let go.



Despite me ignoring your knocks of call.

Through Seth.
Through Sharyl.
Through Michele.



Bible verses. Your very words are being spoken to me.
But I threw it aside.
Prophetic drawings. Your way of showing Your concern for me. And that You know what's going on.
But I brushed it away.





Seth reminded me of the vision that I've gotten as an affirmation that I am Your bride.







But that hurt all the more.

















Michele.
I am sorry.
















I know I need to face God.










But I cant.






























Just let me go.












I am sorry God.











I'm tired.










Bye.

I made the worst mistake I can ever make.


































I regret.
But it's too late.




















No turning back.



















Bye Alison.

The time now is 6.45pm.
Dad, I'm feeling better after tearing.
Thank you that there is peace and comfort
When I turn to you.


***
1 hour ago.


My Lord. I know you've seen and heard everything over dinner.

You know how much my dad's willing to go for my mum.
That he's willing to pay any amount for her to stay in the best ward in the hospital.
That he's willing to accompany her no matter how busy he is.
That he's willing to take any chance to rid my mum of pain.
Even if it means surgery.

I know why he's doing this.
And you know why too, Lord.
It's the great love that my dad has for my mum.
I am touched.

***

But I am heartbroken.
And You must be heartbroken too :'(

***

Dad. I am trying so hard to understand why they don't see what I see.
But I'm failing.
If I drew a parallel between You and dad
I would see the same love that You have for us just like my dad
And definitely more than my dad.
But if that's the case
Why don't my dad see the similarities?

My dad would go all out to protect us.
But so do You.
My dad would do anything he can to show his love for us.
But You showed the greatest love by sacrificing Your son for us.
My dad would try his best to minimize our struggles or pain.
But Your son bore our pain on the cross for us.
My dad would try all means to ease my mum's pain by admitting her to the hospital and get the doctors to diagnose her.
But You already knew what was wrong with her.
My dad would take leave despite his schedule and stay with my mum.
But You were always there, yet ironically they didn't feel You.
My dad would painstakingly ask the doctors for answers and get no good return
But You had all answers.
My dad is intending for my mum to go for surgery so that my mum won't have to suffer anymore.
BUT YOU ARE THE ULTIMATE HEALER AND PHYSICIAN!
And they missed it.

I wanna cry so badly God.
They just can't see how badly You wanna heal Your daughter, my mum.
I see how much my dad cares for my mum and wants to be near her.
But You care even more and long to hold her in Your arms.
Yet You were denied.

Oh God.
How long more are You going to hurt?
I can feel Your sorrow
And it's hurting me alot! :'(


***
And that's only my dad.
I thought Lord, my mum would see things differently.
How wrong I was! :'(

After dad's gone to watch the evening news
I took the chance to ask my mum
If she's really going for the operation in april.

Lord, You know I really wanted to know if she trusted Your healing powers.
And You know how badly I wanted my mum to be healed by You.
You know how much I wanna see Your miracles.
And You know how badly I want my mum to see Your wonders.

I remember the vision for my mum.
The ears, the hands and the EYES.
I know this is the season of revival.
I know You are going to do something in my family.
I just know Lord that things are going to be exciting with You.

I've had so many encouragement from people around me.
So many prayer warriors stood by to pray for my mum and my family.
So many confirmations that You're going to work someting out.
I remember the vision You gave me for my family.
I remember every single prayers uttered.
I remember R-Comm praying.
And I remember Seth giving me confirmations with such great convictions
I remember Gerald's assurance.
I REMEMBER EVERYTHING LORD!
Have You forgotten them? :'(

No. I know You haven't Lord.
You gave Pastor Derek a picture of stone yesterday at ssl4.
I was so elated! Especially after the prophetic drawings.
Seth. I could see his excitement too.
We held hands with Amanda and prayed.
With all our hearts, souls, and mind and strength.
WE BELIEVED.
WE KNEW WE ARE GOING TO WITNESS A MIRACLE.
I embraced and took it with all that I've got.
I TRUSTED, LORD.

But why?!
Just as I thought my mum was encouraged with all the prayers
Just as I thought she would believe she'll be healed through our faith
She had to tell me she's decided to go for the operation.
I was crushed.

Were You crushed Lord? :'(
Cause I felt my heart shattered.
Shattered when I heard her doubts.
Shattered when I heard her explain her decision.
Shattered when I knew her faith wasn't strong in You.
I was so discouraged.

Just like how my dad had said he doesn't want my mum to go through all the emotional traumas
I feel they are putting me through a spiritual trauma now.

***

I wanna stop.
I wanna tell everyone to stop praying.
I wanna tell them that it's no use.
That they should save their breaths and prayers for other things instead.
I had lost my faith.

***

In just one minute my faith has ceased.
Lord, forgive me.
I want to trust You so badly.
But all I feel is discouragements.
All our efforts were in vain.
All our excitement were in vain.
All our hopes were crushed.
I won't get a chance to see Your miracles in my family.
I won't get a chance to witness healings in my mum and dad.
I won't.
And that hurts alot.

***
Lord.
Give me Your hope.
And Your strength.
I want to embrace the prophetic drawing by ShiHui.
I want to see beyond the green pastures and see flowers blooming.
I want to trust.
But it's so hard.
I am facing doubts around me.
I need encouragement but there's no one to render it to me.

***
Lord, You said let those with ears, hear
And let those with eyes, see.
Then please give it to them!
To my parents and siblings.
And give me comfort and patience.

Cause I'm feeling so frustrated.
Why doesn't my brother Jonathan long for more of you?
Why doesn't he get excited when I tell him about prophetic things?
About miracles and even believing that he can have the same too?
Why doesn't he get excited with all the prophetic things that are happening to Amanda and I?!
ARGHHHHhhh.

***
I need Your assurance.

***
Help me in everything.
And give me faith.

Forgive me for my doubts.
May Your kingdom come and Your will be done.

In Jesus Name
Amen.

I'm starting to see something.
My brother Jonathan has a desire to listen to christian songs!
WOOTS!
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D 

And my sister Adeline!
She said "TO GOD BE THE GLORY" !
I am totally totally blown away.

God!
Are You sharing my joy???!!!!
:D :D :D :D :D

I know You are!!! :D

Thank you Lord.
For all the gradual changes that I'm seeing.
I am so blessed.

Amen.

Father God.

Thank you for hearing all our prayers!
Thank you for allowing my mum to come home :)

I thank you for your grace and mercies.
Thank you for your everlasting love.
Thank you for your warmth and tender care.

I shout your praises.
And give all the glory to You! :)

There're so many things I wanna tell my mum.
I wanna let her know so badly that
I LOVE HER!
AND THAT YOUR'RE GONNA HEAL HER.

I wanna let her know how much she means to me..
And how much she means to You.
I wanna tell her so badly
That I know in my spirit
You Lord, are going to stir up revival in my family.

I can't wait to share my joy and anticipations with her!
And for her to stir in excitement for You too! :D

Dad.

I wanan tell my mum so much that everyone is praying for her.
And that she is in Your safe hands.
I wanna let her know so badly that You care.
And that you've heard all our prayers.
And that YOU'RE GONNA MOVE MOUNTAINS.
And TEAR DOWN STRONGHOLDS!

Dad.
I want so badly for her to know that there is more to life than what she currently has!
And that You!
You God.
Have a far greater plan for her life.

I really desire for her to see that.

Lord Jesus,
May you grant my mum a desire to seek more of You.
For her heart to stir and want for more of You.
I want her to experience more of You.
More of Your goodness.
More of Your grace.
And more of Your miracles.

I want my mum to love You.
Love You with her everything.
And to put You first in her life.

Will I get to see that, Lord?

I ask You to bless my mum.
And reach out to her.
To see that she can be greater than who she thinks she can be.

In your love,
Let Your kingdom come.
And Your perfect Will be done.
On earth as it is in heaven.
In my household, as it is Your desire.

In Jesus Name,
Amen

 
Dad,

I am trusting in Your healing hands.
Mum's hospitalised.
And You know her condition.
I uphold her into Your loving care.
I pray You'll heal her.

No. I dont want the doctors to claim the success.
No. Dad, they can only relieve.
But YOU.
You can heal.
Heal my mum.

I bind her spirit of pain.
I bind the stones in the gallblader.
IN THE NAME OF JESUS.
I BREAK THE STONES IN MY MUM'S GALL BLADDER.
I LOOSE YOU IN JESUS NAME!

And I pray Dad
You restore my mum's health.
You wipe off her medical record.
And give her a clean bill of health!

SET MY MUM FREE, JESUS!

May Your will be done.

I pray for a miracle.
I want to see Your great hand again, Dad.
Give me faith.

In Jesus Name
Amen.

 
It's been an amazing journey.
I am so privileged Lord.
Thank You.










***

13 February 2009

I had a supernatural encounter with God.
It was breath-taking.
I have no other words to describe the magnificent glory of God
And the honour to be part of God's big plan.

I was swept away by the grace and love of God.
Just as I was enjoying every beautiful moment
He gave me something far better than I've ever imagined.
And this is His gift to me:

A Vision for my family

Herein, I saw my whole family
My parents, my siblings
And the love of God pouring out on all of us.
I was so humbled.
I remembered this scene clearly.

There. At my dining area
I saw my WHOLE family KEELING before the ALMIGHTY
WORSHIPPING and PRAYING to HIM.

It's an incredulous breakthrough!
I was so humbled.
It's been my heart's cry for my family to turn to God
TO LOVE HIM WITH ALL OUR HEARTS

WOW.
And God came me this vision.
This is going to be a time of glorious history.
And this is going to be a season of God's blessings.
I'm going to BIRTH THE VISION.

AND SEE GOD'S WILL BE DONE.
ON EARTH AS IN HEAVEN.

I AM SO DELIRIOUS!










***

20 February 2009

Amazing encounters.
I was worshipping God in church and He spoke.


I remembered the joy in my being.
I remembered the smile on my face.
I remembered brimming with radiating happiness and contentment being so intimate with God.
It was beyond words.


And I knew.
I am never going to trade my birthright in Christ for any other thing.




MORE VISIONS. IN CHURCH.

We were grouped in fours.
My mum, two other christians whom we've just crossed paths and myself.

We were to exercise our faith in God through prophecy.
We were worshipping the ALMIGHTY
And He revealed.

The first impression that came to my mind was:

1) A sword.
Then God reminded me that we are to take up the sword of the Spirit and clothe ourselves in the armor of God for the Spiritual Warfare. I was humbled to be part of God's big army of warriors.

Then I saw.

2) An apple.
It was a full apple. Shinning red and juicy.
And God said: We are the apple of His eyes.
With that alone is enough for it is the best thing I can ever ask for.

3) A heart.
A real heart. God's Heart. And our hearts.
Then I saw our hearts joined to God's and we beat as one.
This is such a wonderful picture.
It's an acknowledged request from God.
Because I've asked God before to make me holy and righteous, blameless and pure before Him
And for me to beat with the same heartbeat as His and to see what He sees.
Having His acknowledgement is more than enough.

4) A rainbow.
God said: He's promises to us will never be broken just as how He's made a covenant with Noah.
And the words pierced my being.
"He will never leave us nor forsake us"

5) God's outstretched arms as He beckons for us to come to Him

6) Healing hand of God.
I saw a palm. And a red cross on the palm.
Then God nudged. And said this is going to be a season of healing and restoration for my dad.
I am going to trust.

7) A fountain of gushing water (for one of the ladies)
God spoke to her through me about His living water.
That He will be the one who quench our thirst as we draw close to Him when we are dry.

Finally.

8) A dove. With an angelic ring above the dove.
And God's spirit rested on all of us.

It's been an amazing journey.

That's not all.



***

On that same day, the lady whom God spoke through me also gave me a vision.

It's a direct confirmation from God.

I had been praying for God to use me for His glory
For if not, my life will not be worth living for.
And I've been praying for His will to be done in my life.
And for me to reflect Christ-likeness.
And to be His bride, just as the church is His bride.
I said in my prayers that I want to love Him. To be faithful and loyal to Him.

And God heard.
He spoke to me through the lady and gave her a vision for me.

She saw a RING with a BIG SHINNING DIAMOND.
Just like a bride's ring.
And she said:
God says you are His BELOVED DAUGHTER.




I am over the moon.

The next thing happened.
She saw for my mum the vision of hands, mouth and eyes.

It's a prayer acknowledged.
For I've been praying for God to send revival in my family.
For my mum to experience God at a deeper and more intimate level.
To have supernatural encounters with Him
And to see as God sees
And for Him to use her.

It was breath-taking.
I feel so blessed and honoured to be loved by God.







***

Daddy, I just wanna say:






YOU ARE THE BEST! :)

I have decided to continue posting.

















This time, allowing God to fill the blanks in my life.

***

The past few days had been straining.
I had endurently resisted thinking about you.
And to surrender you to God.

It's been tough.
And God knows the trials.






***

I know what lies ahead for both of us.
But the truth is often hard.






***

I need to move on.
Before I could do so
I know I need to  leave everything behind.

This is a painful journey.
But I am trusting.


***

Lord, You know my little secrets.
You know what I've been thinking.
To cough out a new email and add him on msn
Disguising myself so I could at least talk to him
And be near him.

Lord, You know secretly I've been looking forward to the Yr 3's graduation.
So I could catch a glimpse of him at the corner of my eyes.

Lord, You know what I've been thinking.
Thinking of going back into time
And making right what has been wrong.

Deep inside me, I know there's no one else but him
But whether or not we'll ever be together
I know it's not for me 
But for You to will it.

Daddy,
I've promised never to have any other guys as my valentine
But to keep it sacred for him.
Yet I know.
It's not for me.
But for Your will to be done.

Help me surrender.


***



I give You my all.

Today.

The journey from my home to woodlands library had been a trying one.
I hadn't expected myself to tear again.
But as the train passes by sembawang
All of a sudden
My mind races back to the daunting memories we once shared.

I remember the sweet memories
I remember the hugs and kisses
I remember the loving moments
I remember our love
I remembered.

Life has been mystical these days.
I feel so weird like life's just passing away
Suddenly the thought "God is closer and nearer to you than anyone else is"
Flahsed and clouded my mind.
My past.
They seemed so far away.
I seemed to have forgotten.

My whole being is in a whirle.
What's happening to me.
Am I normal?
Why do I feel so distant from myself?
Are the memories real?

Then I remembered the times we fought
The times we quarrelled
The times I cried endlessly and wanted to break free.

Strangely, now that I don't have you
I ached so much that I wish to hold you.

At this moment.
My mind races back to reality.
Tears welled up my eyes
I knew.
There was no turning back.

And I cried.


***

Recently.
I caught myself thinking so much about you.
That I'm going crazy.
And I wondered if you do.
But thinking about that hurts even more.
My flesh, they yell to me
You must be hating me to the core.
I imagined if there could ever be
"Our future"
Whether God could permit me to call
But all I get was
Wake Up, He's no more.

I tried to stop.
And shut my mind up.
As I tried,
My tears wound up 
And it wouldn't stop.

I wonder if You're still in Singapore or perhaps in China
And maybe we could bump into each other
But that thought seems too far fetch
And surely it wouldn't materialize.

Strangely.
I cant wait for 13/08/2013
But even then
Will we ever meet?

God.
Help me.
I want to stop thinking.
Bring me back to reality.

 
It's been a struggle.

My flesh:
They want him
They miss him

My spirit:
Hearing a resounding NO from God

I know the answer.

No matter how long and how much I wrestle with God
The outcome will be the same:

LET GO.

and 

LET GOD.


Lord
From this moment on
I make a covenant with You
That I will surrender him totally to You
And for Your will to be done in our lives.

Whether or not we're meant for each other
whether or not we'll ever be together again
whether or not he'll find a better half
whether or not I'll ever have another partner

Lord
I surrender all my options to You.
For I know, if it is Your will, then You will surely let it come to pass
My life is Yours and I know You have a great plan for me.
And You know what I need.
Therefore, I promise in Jesus's name
Never will I be bothered about relationships again.
Take me and use me for Your glory.
May what I do be according to Your will and Your timing
Never mine.

I seal it in Jesus's name
Amen.

Dear God.

You are the Almighty One.
I only have a request to ask of you.
Make me forget my past.

I cant stand to have my soul ripped apart.
Cause you know how much I miss him.

I ask you to help me forget.
Lest I be torn by my own decision.
Torn by my guilt
Torn by letting my parents down
Torn by the world's judgement

I ask you to bless him. 
Your will be done.
Amen.

 
Lord,

I'm so thankful I've grown so much in You just this past 1 week.
You've shown yourself so faithful to me. 
I adore you so much.
Thank you for setting me free.
Thank you for allowing me to see how  gracious and merciful you have been towards me, never letting me go.
Thank you that despite me dishonouring you so much, you stood by with me
Just waiting to comfort me and say "It is over".
Lord, I cant imagine why you would love me so much.
I remember the times I cursed myself.
I remember the times I rejected you.
I remember the time I was so badly hurt but I refused to let you heal me.
As I look back Lord, I see how much badly I've hurt you by refusing you to be near me.
I'm sorry.

But I'm thankful.
Thankful for everything You've done.
For redeeming me from the clutches of death.
From the pits of hell.
I can just imagine how close Satan was to victory when I lost my mind and almost committed suicide.
But Your great Love.
They kept me from acting foolishly.
I thank you for the many many interventions You've done in my life.
And I thank you for the many prayer warriors who have so devotedly interceded for me.
Lord, thank you for this Life.
You bought it with Your blood.
And I'm gonna thank You with all of my being forever and ever.

Thank you for the times You've shown patience to me.
Thank you for the times You've waited lovingly.
And thank you for the times You never gave up yet affirmed me that You will never leave or forsake me.
Lord, I'm indebt to You.

Thank You for the times You've allowed me to see how Satan has so deceitfully deceived and manipulated me.
Thank You for the times You've delivered me.
Thank You for the times You've given me wisdom and discernment.
Thank You for the times when You've given me tremendous breakthroughs.
Thank You for setting me free.
From the spirit of death.
From the spirit of rejection.
From the spirit of fear.
From all the familiar spirits that have bugged my bloodline.
From the unusual fear of snakes.

Thank You God for cleansing me to purity.
Thank You for not withholding Your love from me.
Thank You with an infinite gratitude towards your amazing love.

Lord, I thank You for protecting me with the blood of Christ.
I thank You that there is power and victory when I call upon You for help.
I thank You that I have not been harmed by Satan even when he got so close to attack me.
Thank You lord, for all your holy angels when they surrounded me.
Thank you Lord.

I love You.
And I gladly lay my life down for You.
Amen.

 
“God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in spirit and in truth.”- John 4:24

Almighty God, Teach me what it means to worship you in spirit and in truth.
I feel like I have lived a lie for all my life.
Always sinning, always deceiving, then asking for forgiveness and promising
To break away from the bondage, only to break the trust and sin again.
Why God.
I feel terrible.
I hate to break your trust for me.
I hate to hurt you.
Please help me change.
I want to be a better person, a better daughter for you.
Help me to love you more and please you.
I want your truth.
I need you.
To help set me free.
So as to soar high on wings like eagle with you. 
Dear Dad, I want your acknowledgement.
I want to worship and adore you.
Holy Spirit, Teach me how to worship in the spirit.
And help me offer myself as a pleasing sacrifice to You.

Lots of love,
Allie Your Beloved.

 
It's been a long while.
Many things have happened during this course of journey.
Too much pain, hurt, joy, laughter, fears, regrets etc...
It's only human to want to express all those deepest sentiments
But I reckon,
I will choose to surrender all my thoughts to You, Daddy God.
For only what you think of me, and how you know my inner being matters.
Instead of focusing on myself,
I choose to honour you.
To seek your desires for me
And to praise your name instead.
Help me to forget about myself.
I dont want to be consumed in my own world, in my own emotions.
Ater all.
This blog is about you.
About my yearning for you.
Not me.
Not my hurts.
Not my being at all.
But my obedience to obey you, and make you center of all.
Dear dad, I want your decree.
I want my destiny.
Let this be a new start.
A new season to grow myself and be
Sealed in Jesus's Name,
Amen.

Dear Almighty,

I hunger so much to live in your presence.
I yearn so much, oh Daddy, to know Your heart in an intimate way.
I desire revelation and passionate encounters with You.
I long to spend time in the secret place with You.
I want to know You deeper, Dad!
I need more of You!

Draw me into the well of Your presence Lord.

Dear Dad,

I've been feeling like rubbish the past few days
Often feeling so mixed, I stare into space.
I'm sure I shouldn't be feeling this way
But it's hard not to, cause of how things've unfolded.

We've gone a long long way
To build a friendship that's so deep, amazingly.
But it feels like it's on the edge now
And I feel distant, at times withdrawing.

I'm sure I shouldn't be feeling this way
Cause it's just not right of me.
I should learn to let go and not be 'possessive'
Lest you think I'm very cliquish.

Hmmm, maybe it's just moodswings
Maybe my period's coming;
That's why I'm feeling
The kind of emotions I'm having currently.

Everything said,
Still wanna thank you
For being the bestest friend
I could have ever made.

Now's time to go to school
After a good rest, yesterday
from the frightening injection.
Oh God,
It's gonna be Stats common test soon
And I'm gonna do well to glorify You!





***




Have a good adventure ahead, Dad
I'm sure You'll be performing miracles and wonders everywhere!
It's a pity I cant join You there,
But if you've found anyone in need, and perhaps near me,
Please nudge me immediately
And I'll be right there!

Hear from You soon Dearest Dad!
I'll miss Your presence dearly
And oh, send Your angels to be with me today!

Signing off,
Princess Alison

On bended knees
With hands uplift
I looked to the heavens
With urgency.

I cried to You, Dad
I pleaded for leniency
For You to show mercy
To  those in need.

Haven't You heard their cries
Haven't You seen their sorrow
Please Daddy, Please, do something.

They're Your creation
They're Your beloved
And they're hurting
That's inexpressible.

Daddy, Daddy,
You're the greatest restorer
Please show Yourself
As the Almighty reliever.

Heal and mend and calm their grief;
Oh God, rebuild their lives lovingly
May You bless and comfort tenderly;
I pray You'll meet all their needs.

***
 

Make me an instrument of Your peace.

Dad,

I thought I died when the police came
But in Your perfect plan, You made a way.
You saw my tears, my melancholy
But with mercy everlasting, You paved another way.










I cried more than 1Litres of tears.
But you are worth my every tear.








I love you dear.